


when you came into the world, you cried and it broke my heart

by thewolvescalledmehome



Category: A Song of Ice and Fire & Related Fandoms, A Song of Ice and Fire - George R. R. Martin, Game of Thrones (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Established Relationship, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Parents Jon Snow/Sansa Stark
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-18
Updated: 2017-07-18
Packaged: 2018-12-03 20:13:28
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,322
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11539611
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thewolvescalledmehome/pseuds/thewolvescalledmehome
Summary: Sansa's in labor and Jon's terrified that whatever caused his parents to not love him was in him too.





	when you came into the world, you cried and it broke my heart

**Author's Note:**

> I listened to "Dear Theodosia" yesterday while thinking about Jonsa and this happened (title taken from song).
> 
> I own nothing.

Jon was pacing. The doctors kept reassuring him: _it’s only two weeks early. It’s not enough to be considered premature. The baby will most likely be perfectly fine, just a little on the small side. Your wife will be fine. Women have been doing this for thousands of years._

They didn’t understand that that wasn’t why he was worried. At least it wasn’t the main reason—if he thought the doctors were wrong with every promise they made he would be in a much darker place than he already was.

No, that wasn’t the reason for his pacing, the reason his hands shook and his hair came undone from its knot after tearing his hands through it.

No, it was because he was utterly _terrified_. There was a dark voice in him, making him doubt everything.

What if whatever was in his parents that made them abandon him was in him as well? What if when he saw the child, he felt nothing? His parents hadn’t. They took one look at him and decided they didn’t want him. Would he feel the same way? Was whatever was broken in his parents broken in him too? What would happen if it was?

He daren’t voice any of this to Sansa. She’d shush him and hold him and make him remember what it was like to be loved. She would tell him _don’t be silly, Jon. Of course you’ll love our child_. She didn’t understand. She didn’t know anything but love.

Jon wouldn’t admit fearing he would be unable to love it was only part of it though. There may have been something in his parents that was broken, but there was something in him too that made him unloveable. There had to be. Why else would his parents abandon him, never to be adopted, if not for something inherently wrong in him that made him impossible to love?

This child was half made of him. What if whatever was in him that made him unloveable was in it too?

That was a worse thought. If he was the broken one, he could handle that because Sansa would love it enough for both of them, but what if she couldn’t love it, because of whatever he gave it? The thought was enough to almost make him sick. Because she would pretend. That was the type of person Sansa was. Even if it had the same thing he had, Sansa would pretend to love it and raise it and it would think it knew love. But he couldn’t condemn her to that life. That wasn’t fair to Sansa.

It was too much, it was all too much. Jon stopped, pressing his forehead into the wall outside her room. He couldn’t go in yet. Not like this. She would read him too easily.

“You can go back in now. It might be some time yet.” This was the nurse, the one who’d been examining Sansa. She stood next to him now. “The waiting is the worse part, but it’ll all be worth it. You’ll see.” She smiled and Jon felt his lips twitch in response.

He had to go in. If he was still out in the hall when he could be with his wife people would question what was wrong with him. The last thing he wanted was any of the Starks suddenly appearing to see him torn apart in the hallway and assume the worst.

“They said it’s always this way with the first. They’ll decide to come early and then change their mind,” she joked. Her smile made his chest hurt. She must’ve been able to see it because she was trying to sit up, her face suddenly concerned. He went to her, to push her back down. Her hand latched onto his though, forcing him into the chair next to the bed.

“Tell me what’s going on.” He shook his head, trying to hide his face from her but she knew him too well. She’d always been the one who knew him best. He could never hide anything from her.

“I’ve just…been thinking about my parents.” Her forehead creased but he saw when it clicked into place. That was all he needed to say and she knew exactly what was plaguing him. Her hand was on his face, her touch so gentle when he should have been the one comforting her.

“I love you. And you love me. And we will love this baby.” Jon knew what she was saying. _I love you, and I will love this baby that is half of you. And you love me, so you will love this baby that’s half of me._ It was so small but it worked. The storm inside him lessened enough that it wasn’t all consuming. “I love you,” she repeated and he loved her for it.

* * *

 

It was hours later, hours of waiting, hours of hearing the woman he loved scream in pain and he couldn’t do a damn thing about it. Hours of her squeezing his hand so hard he thought she must’ve broken something. Hours of the doctors saying _not long now_. Then more hours of waiting as they cleaned and checked the baby out. He only saw it in glimpses and he just couldn’t believe how small it was. _The doctors said it was a girl_ , a voice in his head reminded. He couldn’t believe how small _she_ was.

“Would you like to hold your daughter?” Jon didn’t expect those words to floor him. He never thought the simple word _daughter_ would cause so many feelings in him. The nurse sat him in the chair and brought a bundle of blankets to him, showing him how to hold her.

She was in his arms then and he thought his heart would burst. She was so small. Tiny, really. She was sleeping, mouth just slightly open. She looked like a little doll. All of his worries and fears finally fled. Because who couldn’t help but love this tiny creature? Every instinct in him screamed that he needed to protect her with his life. Everything in him said _this beautiful little girl is mine, mine and Sansa’s._

He thought her face looked like Sansa’s, but from under the knit cap the nurses covered her head with poked a dark curl. _She has my hair_ , he thought, dazed. It was proof that she was his. His vision blurred, despite the fact he was smiling harder than he had in his life. She was his, and he loved her.

* * *

 Sansa woke up to a cold bed. She thought it had been the baby crying that had awoken her, but the house was quiet.

She pulled on her robe and tiptoed to the nursery. Her heart swelled at the sight. Jon was in the rocking chair, their daughter swaddled and cradled so tenderly in his arms. He was watching her sleep.

This was not the first time Sansa had woken up to find Jon gone. She was pretty sure he spent every moment he could with her. He’d never let her go if he could.

The door squeaked as Sansa went to close it and his head jerked up.

“Sorry, did I wake you?” he whispered as she came farther into the room.

“No, you didn’t. You can go to bed though. You’ve gotten up with her every time, even if it was for a feeding. You haven’t gotten a decent night’s sleep in months.” Sansa pushed one of the curls out of his face, exposing the purple half moons that told her how long it had been since he’d slept.

“I’ll be in in a few minutes. I just want to hold her a little longer.” Sansa smiled softly at how gentle even his gaze was.

“All right.” She kissed his head, and looked on the peaceful face of their daughter, wondering if she knew how much her father loved her.


End file.
